Britain

The Gertie’s G20 Drinking Game

– Tony Abbott gets drunk and acts like the worlds’ most embarrassing uncle at a BBQ: dunk your head in a keg of VB, it can’t get any worse.
– You see someone wearing their G20 all access pass outside of the exclusion zone: top shelf, A grade scotch, two chunks of hand chipped ice.
– Held up by a motorcade carrying the assistant to the assistant of the guy who shook Obama’s hand: lemon, lime and bitters (you’re driving).
– Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff asks where the restrooms are, isn’t seen again until Monday morning: one whole bottle of cachaça.
– King Abdullah mistakes Campbell Newman for his chauffeur: order a white wine spritzer and hang your head in shame.
– François Hollande and Matteo Renzi overheard comparing the size of their “planes”: a bottle of Australian red, just to annoy them both.
– A friend expresses surprise that Turkey is invited: glass of rosé.
– Shinzo Abe takes Enrique Peña Nieto and his wife to karaoke at the Brunswick Hotel after one too many frozen margaritas: there’s no such thing as too many margaritas, have another one.
– Lord Mayor Quirk asks Park Geun-Hye how his flight from Toyko was: find Tony Abbott and congratulate him for not being the most embarrassing uncle after all. Share a shandy with him.
– Protesters overthrow the Convention Centre and turn it into a rave party: two litres of bottled water, followed by a tantrum on Tuesday.
– South Africa is here as well? Sheesh, have a Captain Morgan’s and tell me how this G20 thing works again?
– Xi Jingping and Mariano Rajoy caught goosestepping behind Angela Merkel: crack a Lowenbrau.
– Obama fails to recognise Stephen Harper, leader of Canada: oopsie daisie, best break out the moonshine.
– David Cameron bets The Falklands in a game of late night poker, loses to Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, President of Argentina: two pints of warm lager (actually, make that three).
– Narendra Modi tweets a photo of Barnaby Joyce holding a pineapple tart with the caption “who’s the fruitcake?”: double rum and coke. Bundy, of course.
– Vladimir Putin is seen leaving The Wickham in the early hours of Sunday morning: Wet Pussy shot.
– Indonesian President Joko Widodo takes one look at all of them, decides he doesn’t want to be in politics after all: champagne for you sunshine, you’ve got a reason to celebrate.

Written for Gertie’s Bar & Lounge

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The Royal Baby Drinking Game

Royal Baby Drinking Game:

1. Queen arrives with a ‘If you think I’m cute you should see my Great Grandma t-shirt’ = double shot of Drambuie.
2. Camilla is seen ducking out for a ciggie = pint of warm lager.
3. Carol Middleton seen sticking her chewing gum under a table in the hospital cafeteria = white wine spritzer.
4. Harry seen chatting up a nurse = gallon of Pimm’s Punch.
5. Prince Charles waves gormlessly at the press = pint of shandy.
6. Beatrice & Eugenie arrive wearing hats that remind you inbreeding is still a thing among the Windsors = litre bottle of apple cider.
7. Prince Phillip says something inappropriate to the assembled media about Kate’s dilation = Plymouth gin martini, extra dry.
8. Fergie tries to smuggle her way in via a trolley of hospital laundry, then attempts to sell the story = finger of scotch, neat.
9. Pippa caught taking selfies in the dispensary = six pack of Hooper’s Hooch, or Bacardi Breezers at a pinch.
10. Big Ben’s bells reprogrammed to play Fatboy Slim’s remix of ‘I See You Baby’ = half bottle of Beefeater Gin.
11. World media replay images of Diana holding William on the hospital steps as they head home = smack yourself over the head with a bottle of Tanqueray.