Facebooking My Demons

I am in the midst of a very weird experience! Yesterday I, after much pestering from several friends, joined Facebook. And it has been a minor revolution. Yesterday morning, there was a long list of people I’ve often thought of over the years but for whatever reason had lost contact with. Almost 48 hours later and I can’t get over the people I’m now communicating with! Friends from high school, people I travelled with, even someone from primary school that I really had to comb the cerebral archives to remember. It’s amazing, and addictive. Such an easy way to stay in touch that I’m finding myself frustrated by those I know who aren’t yet on it. So silly really!

And yet, as I traced through the collections of ‘friends’ on everyone’s pages looking for people I recognised, a funny thing started to happen. I sort of reverted back to my social position in high school. Most people I went straight in, clicked on and submitted a friend request. No problem, I know they’ll want to be my friend! But there were quite a few others over whom I hovered the mouse before deciding ‘Nah, they might not respond’. Social death Facebook style. I didn’t like the idea of possible rejection, or them thinking I was just being a ‘hanger-on’.

What is that about? It was straight back to the awkward & socially tumultuous times I experienced in high school. I was never one of the tarty ‘popular’ girls, but nor was I a complete social pariah. Mostly, I think people found me a bit weird because I wasn’t easily classifiable. I sort of just drifted towards whoever was talking to me on any given day. Every day was another experiment in having to pretend I fitted in. What’s strange is I don’t feel that ever anymore, so why does the idea of hooking up with school friends bring it all back? Why does that time of my life weigh so heavily on me that, almost 14 years after I graduated, I still obviously haven’t left it behind? Why do I still care what they’re thinking? I’m not at all fazed by people in my current life, so why these people with whom the only thing I really have in common is our education? I even caught myself looking at the picture of me I posted, thinking “Jeez, it’s a bit cheezy. People will think I love myself”. Who gives a rat’s arse really? Well, me apparently!

Truthfully, with the exception of the few I have had a little contact with, most of these people don’t know me at all. Nothing about me. My interests, likes, loves & what my every day entails. What’s more, we’re adults & we’ve all grown up. We may even find that over the past decade we’ve become even more alike. Who knows? Problem is, I probably won’t know because I’m not sure I can take that first step & put myself out there.

Am I going to end up on Dr Phil? God, I hope not

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